It starts with the small cracks
pushes through the crevices, tiny ugly blobs, remnants
of unconscious sighs.
Tar-black and reeking
of discarded hope, it whimpers
snuggling into the wounds
like all the puppies you’ve lost as a child.
In moments of loneliness it whispers
Coaxes you to feed, to nourish yourself
From its dark, dreary milk and
You gnaw, half-hearted
Like you do at cold food
A day too old to eat, but too much of a waste to throw out.
It starts from within
Swirls of disappointment, internal chaos and black, black death
And before you know it, you are all topsy-turvy
Too mangled and ugly for anybody to save
Like a mouse hanging from cat jaws
Like a forlorn napkin, held by a single peg
Against a raging storm.
A careless stab that lands
Upon an open wound, you
Just would not let heal.
Smiling and calm, bury a knife deep in my belly
Pregnant with love, conceived for you.
The blade, ever so softly,
In teasing little tugs and jarring little pulls
Your words smooth and sleek, velvet gloved, jagged ends concealed, no one suspects
Till I rouse the goddess with my cries and then
I am to blame for my loudness,
My lack of ease.
Didn’t you know?
Love bleeds out, slowly, softly
A gentle whisper upon sleeping ears
Until it finally departs and leaves
A large gaping crater beneath?
You wouldn’t even know,
Everything you believe to be the ultimate ‘truth’
May not be the truth you see.
I am a catfish, larger than life, not
Without my scales and edges
And you prick me with pins, believing
This is love, wanting me to be
The goldfish that you would have me be.
Your fishbowl tightens around me
Like a noose, as I grow
And I grow and I grow and
Your fish bowl won’t fit me anymore.
What will you do? Release me to sea?
Or spear me through the heart
Letting me bleed to death in my sleep?
This is my dream
A caricaturized truth woven
In spiders’ web and
Pulverized veins, warm
And squirting, molded
With the flesh of the living, watered
In blood, kneaded
With reality, a dream
In the illusion of Life, sticky
Do you constitute as real, or are you
A figment of my imagination? Worse yet,
Am I a figment of yours?
I do not know and I doubt that I will ever find out
Does it matter anyway?
This is my delusion, this is what I chose,
Trapped in a hallway of mirrors,
Ensnared in hapless eternity, because
There hadn’t been a choice, there had never been.
I dictate your terms or you dictate mine
And it is my decision to accept or reject
Because it is my dream, or I
A figment of yours.
But as all dreams go, we cannot control the circumstances
The instances are inconsistencies that revel in deeper calamities
But I can choose to wake up too early and let the dream end
Dissipate, disassemble, disintegrate to crumbly little nothings
Before its time is due.
For I am but a single drop
In an immense filthy ocean
Of pollution, corruption, unscrupulous exploitation
I dream of emancipation
From this insipid, vapid satire in which
We eat, drink, fuck and fall away
Good byes are meant for healing,
For retrieving the tiny bits of self, scattered
Along the milky way that you built inside your head
Loving mirages, a lifetime’s work
Taking minutes to dismantle, the loosened bricks
That had crumbled over the years.
Goodbyes are meant to bleed they say
First in gushing torrents, then little streams
And then in sad trickles turning to drops
To dried canals along the cheeks.
Goodbyes are empty canisters
That you fill with little memory shards
Nasty little ‘could have been’s, those nagging ‘what if’s,
Seal with the possibilities of wasted years and bury
Deep, deep down in your backyard with little twigs of remembrance
As markers of what had been.
Goodbyes are pungent, like camphor
Lingering and sticky, just a whiff
Can paralyze with helplessness.
Goodbyes, those necessary evils, those ambiguous plots
Sudden death, like murder
Distant lightning without the thunder
Whispers without the tenderness
Punishment without reward
A dainty hope to kill in the womb,
A gentle touch to forget
And forgive, if you can.
I don’t want to count the stars,
And wonder at those glistening points
Nor wander through the untouched thicket, Pffft!
Who has time for all this!
I don’t ask for much. Never have.
Simply not enough time, nor patience
For self is the centre of it all.
Minutes fall around me, hours roll
Away, like pebbles
From the hands of a child
But do I dare whimper? Or shed a tear?
Thick skin as they say, like cow hide
Beaten down, so many times
I hardly feel the pain.
Those you love the most are the ones who enjoy watching you bleed. And
sometimes you need to ask yourself
Have all that love been in vain?
Hours roll, unfeeling, just as years have rolled before them
With the heaviness of machines, well oiled
Tired eyes, tired heart, spent and alone watch on
Where did it begin?
Where to end? Should it end? Questions
Those painful hooks, tear into the flesh
I don’t wear white, for it shows off the red
Of a wounded bleeding skin.
Haven’t you heard?
Simplicity is the hardest thing.
Less is more, more is less
Who makes these rules, where do they bend?
Can they bend?
Questions. They know
No answers. Life
Is such, as we constantly tell ourselves.
But is it really so? Who makes these rules?
Where do they bend? Can they bend?
No one knows, does
Oh won’t you stay,
Let the midnight weep your absence
Run into my arms, fall unto me
Like a ripened leaf in autumn, weary
An exploding star, in all your darkness
Your rage, your light, your fire, I admire
Your undefined depths, I am aware
That you are, but dust
In all your magnificent glory.
But oh, won’t you stay, linger on
Like the sting of too much pineapple on sensitive teeth, or the dull pain in feet
After a long, happy walk. You are
But human, and beautiful,
In the way you stand alone amongst your own debris.
Let the midnight weep, let
The skies simper and mewl for your cruel niceties
Butterflies disguised as mice, scuttling around the corner
I see beneath the veil, and still
Stand amused, feeling
Walk into your heart people may and
Leave solid footsteps, a fleeting trail of summer blossoms at times
But sometimes all they leave is
A muddied, bloodied mess, strewn with carcasses.
Cleaning up is a bitch.
My heart longs to retire, into the
Cool, mossy embrace of the woods known
The jungle path well traveled, but what use
Is one’s comfort zone but to rot and reek of remains?
A rustle of leaves and a soft sigh of wind brings back your breath
Upon my cheek, a silent kiss
So sweetly wrought
With the subtle pain
Yet I recoil, rewind, wrap myself around me, sink
Unto myself, instead
Of reaching out and touching your face,
Every single time.
Clocks have stopped but time has not
For time knows no dust, it barely sits still
And is impatient,
Like a little girl at the sound of the ice cream truck.
Time is gone, like sifted sand through my fingers, better yet
Tap water, treated with chlorine
Like days in your lover’s arms, like hours
Gazing at the sea. I
Sit impatient, legs swinging
Hitting the sideboard with a dull thud-thudding
An irritating awakening.
Life had been pushed into suitcases, bundled up
Like dirty laundry, tangled and misshapen, I am
Forced to run, run once again
Passport shoved in hand, I protest
I never asked for this. But
Does it ever occur to you that all you get in life are what
You didn’t really ask for anyway?
Morning falls like a burden upon one’s back, yet
Another weight for you to trudge along with, I crack
And bend, but groan and push on
Because we all are donkeys. Donkeys of time.
Nothing less. Nothing more.
Here I sit and
Spin hours away, as days
Drag their feet across the floor making
A terrible racket.
You, in your acheful distance
Tug at my veins squirting
Purple blood, blue
I pine for you,
You pine for me and
End up in each other’s arms
Sooner or later. Not bad
For real life. But,
Right here, right now
My soul longs, for a scent of you.
Minutes fall around me, like shrapnel
From a splintered dream, if
I pay attention, embrace the shards for a moment of comfort, I
Always end up bleeding, tending
To my own wounds, with
Old rags of memories.
Utter nonsense, this distance
An unwanted boulder, in the midst of our warm, tranquil sea.
A beautiful yearning, yet
A crippling hunger that
Feeds on strands of happiness, falling through the blinds of absence.
This won’t do.
I miss you.
Yesterday I felt your absence,
Right beside me, like a perilous drop
From which I edged away, fearing for life.
Emptiness overwhelmed, overthrew
What little sanity was left, as
Hip hop beats pelted all around
Like paralyzing darts at a
Sore, swollen heart.
Have you ever felt how lonely, how barren
These club beats make you feel?
Well, you know how this goes,
Every time I look at myself in the mirror I
Try so desperately to catch maybe
A glance of your smile in my own eyes, a splinter
Of a memory perhaps trapped within
From when I last held you.
Well, you know how this goes.
When feelings overflow I throw
Handfuls in the air and catch
What I can on paper, try and build
A bridge to you with words, but
Does that bring you closer? No, but I try.
And there I sat in a lonely cab homeward
Fingers itching, to ruffle your hair
Heart a wriggling mess, scratching itself in a frenzy
Mad with longing, just for a feel of you.
Yes, so your absence gives me words, bittersweet
On the tip of the tongue, but
I’d much rather have you instead.
I sleep, like a log, no
More like a woman, craving sleep
At the last wisps of dreams, breaking
My nails as they flee
I always wake with a start, sometimes
Like the sky falls down, no
Like I fall down from the sky, it is
painful. Sometimes I bleed
Inside my mind.
Floating about mindless
Sticks to the senses, lulls you
To a dream-like state
Blissful, and blue, yet
Why must I always wake?
For duty calls, life calls,
No, what we’ve made our life, that’s what calls
It always calls, whispers like the fiend,
Clings to the skin
Like the nasty smell of vehicle smoke, like
Other people’s sweat, after a long day of work.
Jut into your gut, like elbows
At this time of the day
Stagger on cocoon-ward, blood bubbles
Toils and troubles inwards
Dreading yet another day
Darkness falls regardless.
Intervene you must, oh fate
You funny little thing
Cruelty is your second nature, mystery
Being your thing.
Butterflies flew over head, while
Smiles popped lips like flower buds
Eyes locked, intertwined
Knowingly pregnant, exquisitely
You had to make your presence known, didn’t you?
Some sulk in dark corners invoking
Whirlwinds of ominous sighs
While others disappear into the dark, dark night, shedding
Petals of longing behind.
Love is a word that never belonged here, of which
The syllables never touched lips, around which
Tongues were never curled, a word
Shrouded in confusion and feeling, a word
Merely whispered in thought, in secret
In the dark recesses of the mind
Sentiments sucked in by empty vessels of
Thundering silence, inner dementia
Creating illusions, breeding
Dark and pungent
Hand in hand, in
A parallel universe where
Fate is but a word
That is jotted in parchment paper, blotted
Out by dust,
Beautifully golden, long forgotten
All encompassing dust.
The city clothed itself in sombre robes
The trees stood silent, leaves no longer
Dilly-dallying in the wind
Respectful reverence, or was it
I saw your face through the haze, petrol fumes
Clouded my judgement. You
Touched my hand and smiled
Into my eyes. Cue – this is where I melt, into your arms
Helplessly, aimlessly wander, let you engulf me, liquid
But something had frozen. I guess I do not melt anymore
It was strange yet comforting, I needed you no more.
Yet words splatter the walls at unforseen moments,
At the absence of a janitor, I am left
Mopping up the walls in silence.
Gnawing at thoughts these tiny little creatures,
Scuttling all over, pricks sometimes
Those pointy meddling feet, numerous
In composition. Hurt
Comes at unexpected times.
Somewhere drips bleeding, and I
Think to myself that
People are meddlesome insects and I
Find solace only in my thoughts, so
Loyal and so intimate.
Walls have been built and I
Wouldn’t know where to begin to
Dismantle them, nor
If I would ever want to, the
Naive and trusting thing that I am, the
Humble clay walls that I’ve built,
For Citadels of pride.
Find my thoughts to be my friends and they
Keep me occupied enough, conversing
In varied tones, I
Live inside my head.
My phantom, my muse
You tease me, you test me dearly
With random smiles, a careless kiss from time to time
So tender on my lips, a painful brush, but
I quite like the pain.
My beautiful spirit, you
Have been away for far too long that
The springs have dried up and
The parched land yearns for a drop
Of your bountiful soul.
My sweetest spark, you
Give me words but never stories
Give me notes, but never full songs and
I’ve been waiting far too long.
My animus, afflatus you
Appear, disappear like
The April lightning, so sudden
So startlingly profound that you
Leave me gasping every time.
My impulse, my revelation, you
Dearest darling child who
Tugs at a heart string and runs away
And hides behind a dream, my
Ruthless, gentle child.
I remember those
Rainy September afternoons when
Wind brought you in
Like a whisper, lingering
In candied gasps
Apple pie baking,
Spicy golden fragrance, reminiscent
Of tinsel and Christmas
And foremost, tasted with nose
And then by tongue.
Bringing in, an armful of smiles
Staggering with the weight
Beating down on the windows then
Like the calming heartbeat
After a happy run in the sun.
A shining warmth, a
Sprinkling of sugar,
On a freshly baked bun.
Dilly-dallying leaves floating
In the tempest, evoked
By the muffled rain
Smell of fresh wood, wafting
In a note of music, each word uttered
Turning into luscious persistent
Sweet tea made with just
The right amount of love, warming
From the inside and you
Taking over, my soul
And my mind and I
Smiling at the thought, feeling silly
Yet warm, from the glow
Of your beatifying love.