Why didn’t I?Posted: January 14, 2011
I watch my mother leave to work,struggling with the saree,juggling the door keys,the car keys and hand bag.I wanted to hug her and tell her how much I loved her.I wanted to hold her hand and tell her that I will always be there .I wanted to tell her that I’m sorry for all those times that I had nearly given her heart attcks,for all those times I had been an utter nuisance,for all those times I could have been kinder when I know I’ve acted rash.I wanted to hug her so tight and let her know how I feel,how much I care.But you know what,I didn’t.
Climbing the hill towards the faculty,seeing all those freshers in their long skirts,plaited hair,files and frightened eyes,I wanted to tell them not to be afraid,not to bow down to the monsters that will be waiting for them on the top,to always stand up for themselves and not to succumb.I wanted to tell them that they are free to do as they liked and that they have earned their right to be here as much as their torturers up there.I wanted to reach out and wipe the sweat off their brows.I wanted to offer a comforting hand,a supportive smile.But you know what, I didnt.
Seeing all the ragging going on,I wanted to go up to them and ask them what they expect of all this,what they get out of terrifying these poor things.I wanted to tell them all off for all this nuisance,this ridiculous behavior and to get treatment for the inferiority complex that bothers them day and night .I wanted to be mean,I wanted to be fierce.But you know what,I didn’t.
Waiting till the library reopened after their lunch break,hearing a girl talk about a man who took her out once and didn’t call for five days.I wanted to tell her that he isn’t calling back,I wanted to tell her not to keep hopes,I wanted to tell her to stop thinking about him because he does not deserve it and even if he did call her back,I wanted to tell her that he is not worth it.I wanted to tell her that she shouldn’t be sad.But you know what,I didn’t.
This really nice gentleman who works at he library who is extremely helpful and kinder than any university official that I know had shaved off all his hair.And on his scalp were these black marks.Like burn marks.I wanted to ask him what happened to his hair,I wanted to ask him what those black marks are and that I’m truly very sorry for whatever that might have happened to him.But you know what,I didn’t.
I wanted to ask why the university library closes right on time,but never opens on time.I wanted to ask why the service isn’t quick enough or why it is so disorganized.I wanted to ask why it can’t be more student friendly and welcoming.But you know what,I didn’t.
I see this young man cuddling and cooing with a first year girl on a bench,arms entwined,the young girl abashedly looking down.I wanted to tell her that I have seen this man cuddling and cooing with many others on this very bench,that I have seen him woo,beg,plead and threaten so many girls for their love and that I have seen him break,trample down,tear in to pieces so many hearts.I wanted to tell her that she should protect her heart,I wanted to ask her if she knew what she was doing.But you know what,I didn’t.
Going downhill,seeing some students paste posters with fight slogan on the uni walls,I wanted to tell them not to bother.I wanted to tell them that nobody really cares,that the ones that give orders are not the ones facing the stone trowing,the rubber bullets,days spent at prison and tear gas attacks.I wanted to tell them not to waste their time.I wanted to tell them to invest that time in something productive,read a book,work on their degree or simply get some sleep which will rejuvenate their young,heated up brains.But you know what,I didn’t.
Walking across the town I see an old lady,frail and feeble waiting outside the temple.I wanted to ask her who or what she is waiting for,what she is doing there,if she is married,if she has her children or if she’s all alone.I wanted to ask her if she needed any company.But you know what,I didn’t.
I see a father crossing the road with his daughter,hands tightly clasped,protective eyes fully vigilant and full of love.I wanted to tell him that he will have to let go of that hand one day,that one day she will venture out on her own and one day she will refuse to hold his hand anymore.I wanted to tell him that one day she will leave him for another man.But you know what,I didn’t.
Instead I walked home wondering why I didn’t. Why Didn’t I?