Goodbyes are


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Good byes are meant for healing,

For retrieving the tiny bits of self, scattered

Along the milky way that you built inside your head

Loving mirages, a lifetime’s work

Taking minutes to dismantle, the loosened bricks

That had crumbled over the years.

Goodbyes are meant to bleed they say

First in gushing torrents, then little streams

And then in sad trickles turning to drops

To dried canals along the cheeks.

Goodbyes are empty canisters

That you fill with little memory shards

Nasty little ‘could have been’s, those nagging ‘what if’s,

Seal with the possibilities of wasted years and bury

Deep, deep down in your backyard with little twigs of remembrance

As markers of what had been.

Goodbyes are pungent, like camphor

Lingering and sticky, just a whiff

Can paralyze with helplessness.

Goodbyes, those necessary evils, those ambiguous plots

Sudden death, like murder

Distant lightning without the thunder

Whispers without the tenderness

Punishment without reward

A dainty hope to kill in the womb,

A gentle touch to forget

And forgive, if you can.

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Acceptance


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I don’t want to count the stars,

And wonder at those glistening points

Nor wander through the untouched thicket, Pffft!

Who has time for all this!

Well,

I don’t ask for much. Never have.

There is

Simply not enough time, nor patience

For self is the centre of it all.

Minutes fall around me, hours roll

Away, like pebbles

From the hands of a child

But do I dare whimper? Or shed a tear?

Negative.

Thick skin as they say, like cow hide

Beaten down, so many times

I hardly feel the pain.

Sometimes,

Those you love the most are the ones who enjoy watching you bleed. And

sometimes you need to ask yourself

Have all that love been in vain?

Hours roll, unfeeling, just as years have rolled before them

With the heaviness of machines, well oiled

Tired eyes, tired heart, spent and alone watch on

Indifference.

Where did it begin?

Where to end? Should it end? Questions

Those painful hooks, tear into the flesh

I don’t wear white, for it shows off the red

Of a wounded bleeding skin.

Haven’t you heard?

Simplicity is the hardest thing.

Less is more, more is less

Who makes these rules, where do they bend?

Can they bend?

Questions. They know

No answers. Life

Is such, as we constantly tell ourselves.

But is it really so? Who makes these rules?

Where do they bend? Can they bend?

No one knows, does

Anyone care?


Something like a love poem


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Oh won’t you stay,

Let the midnight weep your absence

Run into my arms, fall unto me

Like a ripened leaf in autumn, weary

An exploding star, in all your darkness

Your rage, your light, your fire, I admire

Your vividness

Your undefined depths, I am aware

That you are, but dust

In all your magnificent glory.

But oh, won’t you stay, linger on

Like the sting of too much pineapple on sensitive teeth, or the dull pain in feet

After a long, happy walk. You are

But human, and beautiful,

In the way you stand alone amongst your own debris.

Let the midnight weep, let

The skies simper and mewl for your cruel niceties

Butterflies disguised as mice, scuttling around the corner

I see beneath the veil, and still

Stand amused, feeling

Strangely loved.

Walk into your heart people may and

Leave solid footsteps, a fleeting trail of summer blossoms at times

But sometimes all they leave is

A muddied, bloodied mess, strewn with carcasses.

Cleaning up is a bitch.

My heart longs to retire, into the

Cool, mossy embrace of the woods known

The jungle path well traveled, but what use

Is one’s comfort zone but to rot and reek of remains?

A rustle of leaves and a soft sigh of wind brings back your breath

Upon my cheek, a silent kiss

So sweetly wrought

With the subtle pain

Of parting.

Yet I recoil, rewind, wrap myself around me, sink

Unto myself, instead

Of reaching out and touching your face,

Every single time.


Donkeys


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Clocks have stopped but time has not

For time knows no dust, it barely sits still

And is impatient,

Like a little girl at the sound of the ice cream truck.

Time is gone, like sifted sand through my fingers, better yet

Tap water, treated with chlorine

Like days in your lover’s arms, like hours

Gazing at the sea. I

Sit impatient, legs swinging

Hitting the sideboard with a dull thud-thudding

An irritating awakening.

Life had been pushed into suitcases, bundled up

Like dirty laundry, tangled and misshapen, I am

Forced to run, run once again

Passport shoved in hand, I protest

I never asked for this. But

Does it ever occur to you that all you get in life are what

You didn’t really ask for anyway?

Morning falls like a burden upon one’s back, yet

Another weight for you to trudge along with, I crack

And bend, but groan and push on

Because we all are donkeys. Donkeys of time.

Nothing less. Nothing more.


Untitled till September


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Yesterday I felt your absence,

Right beside me, like a perilous drop

From which I edged away, fearing for life.

Emptiness overwhelmed, overthrew

What little sanity was left, as

Hip hop beats pelted all around

Like paralyzing darts at a

Sore, swollen heart.

Have you ever felt how lonely, how barren

These club beats make you feel?

Well, you know how this goes,

Every time I look at myself in the mirror I

Try so desperately to catch maybe

A glance of your smile in my own eyes, a splinter

Of a memory perhaps trapped within

From when I last held you.

Well, you know how this goes.

When feelings overflow I throw

Handfuls in the air and catch

What I can on paper, try and build

A bridge to you with words, but

Does that bring you closer? No, but I try.

And there I sat in a lonely cab homeward

Fingers itching, to ruffle your hair

Heart a wriggling mess, scratching itself in a frenzy

Mad with longing, just for a feel of you.

Yes, so your absence gives me words, bittersweet

On the tip of the tongue, but

I’d much rather have you instead.


Regardless


I sleep, like a log, no

More like a woman, craving sleep

Clutching desperately,

At the last wisps of dreams, breaking

My nails as they flee

I always wake with a start, sometimes

Like the sky falls down, no

Like I fall down from the sky, it is

painful. Sometimes I bleed

Inside my mind.

Floating about mindless

Recuperates, it

Sticks to the senses, lulls you

To a dream-like state

Blissful, and blue, yet

Never satiating

Why must I always wake?

For duty calls, life calls,

No, what we’ve made our life, that’s what calls

It always calls, whispers like the fiend,

Clings to the skin

Like the nasty smell of vehicle smoke, like

Other people’s sweat, after a long day of work.

Impatient tsk’s

Jut into your gut, like elbows

Patience snaps

Is wafer-thin

At this time of the day

Stagger on cocoon-ward, blood bubbles

Toils and troubles inwards

Dreading yet another day

Darkness falls regardless.

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Mopping up


The city clothed itself in sombre robes

The trees stood silent, leaves no longer

Dilly-dallying in the wind

Respectful reverence, or was it

Petrified fear?

I saw your face through the haze, petrol fumes

Clouded my judgement. You

Touched my hand and smiled

Into my eyes. Cue – this is where I melt, into your arms

Helplessly, aimlessly wander, let you engulf me, liquid

Like water

But something had frozen. I guess I do not melt anymore

It was strange yet comforting, I needed you no more.

Yet words splatter the walls at unforseen moments,

At the absence of a janitor, I am left

Mopping up the walls in silence.